What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 02:54
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What do dreams about dead people mean?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was 9 years of age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Would this be the day?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why is the covert narcissist actively avoiding me when they see me everyday?
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I don,t even have a pension.
Im still living with it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
She was in good health!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I think the readers, may guess!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She loved him until the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Comes on , in middle age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
So, i spoilt her more .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It was going to be , some day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
When she asked me how she looked .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Who then, do I blame.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She found it foreign!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Put me off passion for life!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.